Party Like It's 1989!

You can see from the picture above the wildly exciting time that was had by all at the big party last night. For those of you not aware, I am at the Cisco Networkers conference in San Francisco this week. This is the 20th anniversary of the conference. Every year they have a customer appreciation event which varies in location and entertainment depending on the year and city of the conference. This year the them was Party like it's 1989 in honor of the 20th anniversary. Every year this also always some sort of hat that is given to all attendees. As you can see from the picture above, this year's hat was a big success and there were no discarded ones on the way out for me to scavenge to bring home for all the kids.

The party was on Treasure Island in the middle of San Francisco Bay and featured a bunch of carnival rides/food and an 80's concert hosted by Martha Quinn from MTV way back in the day. They had the lead singer from Flock of Seagulls, The Sugarhill Gang, Tone Loc, Howard Jones, Tears for Fears, the Bangles, Devo, and the B-52s. Despite the fact that the temperature was around 45 degrees and the wind was a constant 20 mph or so, a good time was had by all.

I know what you are all secretly thinking, so let me just confirm that you are correct in your suspicion that your lives are pathetically sad and empty because you really haven't lived until you've spent 4 hours freezing your butt off on a July evening in the middle of San Francisco Bay with 10,000 drunk networking geeks all wearing Devo hats singing along with a bunch of singers/bands that haven't performed in so long that they themselves have forgotten the words to their own songs. (Susanna Hoffs forgot the words to Walk Like an Egyptian. It was okay, though because she looked fabulous while forgetting them...) ;-)

Swine Flu

New Government Mascot

Needs...

I wasn't going to do this since I figured everything would be boring, but that doesn't appear to be the case so I guess I'll post mine.

1. Chris needs to type 'chris needs' into Google for a blog - This is apparently getting around...
2. Chris needs new Paris Hilton sex video - I don't think so. She looks like a ferret.
3. Chris needs a wee wee - no comment
4. Chris needs to give me cancer - seems like an odd request...
5. Chris Needs, who appears to be a musician from Wales...
6. Chris Needs is a well-known face and voice of Wales
7. Chris Needs: My Autobiography - Boy, this guy is getting a lot of publicity out of this thing.
8. Chris needs your sex talk - 'nuff said
9. Chris needs your votes for the EVMAs! - True. I would love to win a European Video Music Award...
10. Chris Needs MBE on MySpace Music - Can't get away from this guy.

The Black Bra

SC sent me this humorous story in an email a week or so ago. Interestingly, I believe that we find it humorous for completely different reasons. Read the story and then my analysis of why it is funny below:

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you'. Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"


Now the reason SC and I would suppose most other vaginal Americans would find this amusing is the obvious "What's for dinner, Batman?" punchline. On the other hand, what I and I would suspect most other husbands find amusing is the very notion that any woman married more than a year, let alone 20+, would ever decide on her own to greet her husband in this manner in the first place.

Hundreds Gather to Protest Global Warming

Super Bowl Seat

A Steeler fan had 2 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Steelers in Space

http://anon.nasa-global.edgesuite.net/anon.nasa-global/ccvideos/steelers.asx

How Beer Goggles Work

16 Things

1. I split MY chin open (and knocked myself out) by attempting to jump from the top of one counter top to another across a hallway at my parents house when nobody else was home.
2. I had scarlet fever in first grade.
3. In pre-school another kid jumped off a jungle gym onto the top of my head and I bit through the middle of my tongue and required many stitches to fix it.
4. Some day I will summer in Montana and winter in Bora Bora.
5. If my rude parents hadn't given me crappy eyesight I would have joined the Navy and become a pilot and might have been the one landing that plane in the Hudson River yesterday.
6. The first time I met SC, I was trying to check my score on an 8th grade Algebra test in her 9th grade homeroom and she slammed the door in my face while making rude comments about 8th graders coming into her room. You can understand the immediate attraction...
7. I played ice hockey for Norwin in high school. I haven't skated in at least 15 years, but I would love to find somewhere to play again.
8. Mint chocolate chip ice cream with melted peanut butter on top sounds like possibly one of the worst things you could possibly eat.
9. I frequently consider quitting my job and becoming a driver for UPS. I'd rather be a bush pilot in Alaska, but since I don't have a pilot's license and I do have a driver's license...
10. SC believes that I have another wife and 4 daughters on the left coast.
11. I have been to 39 states and 11 foreign countries and am always looking for a reason to go to somewhere new.
12. I have a Microsoft Map Point map on my laptop where I keep track of all the counties in the US that I have been in. Keeping track of only states isn't detailed enough for me.
13. I have about 520 titles on DVD and yes, I know when one is not in it's proper place on the shelf.
14. SC sincerely believes that whatever I am doing at any point in time is orders of magnitude less important than whatever it is she has suddenly decided I should be doing.
15. Relating to #14, I am being dragged over to karate against my will even though they are closed to go through some farce of doing something I could easily do at home so I can get class credit. The fact that I can know my form and everything else I need to know for testing and not pass pre-testing until I get 18 classes in, but other people can pass by getting 18 classes in without being able to do their form irritates me beyond words.
16. The final half season of Battlestar Galactica starts tonight at 10:00 on scifi. If you haven't watched before, you can view the catch the frak up video at the top of my blog to get up to speed.

Go Steelers

Greener Grass

Its important in life to reach out,
to strive for greater achievements,
to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.

But one must also be careful
Sometimes you can reach too far !


But when you find yourself over-extended and
you're stuck in a situation
that you can't get out of, there is one thing
you should always remember.......
Your government......


Is there to help you!!!!

Guitar Hero

Alex and Andy got Guitar Hero World Tour for the wii for Christmas with a second guitar. Given all the running around yesterday, they didn't get it out and start playing it until this evening. They were playing head-to-head and asked us to go downstairs and try it. SC went down while I was watching the Penguin game and came back up after awhile going on about how great it was. So when the Penguin game was over around 9:30 or so I headed down in the basement to check it out. After one or two songs to get used to the controls, I have to say I was pretty much mopping the floor with all of them. This of course got SC's competitive juices flowing so she sent Alex and Andy to bed so we didn't have keep letting them have a turn and we could just go head-to-head. There seemed to be a theory developing that player 2 seemed to almost always win. Of course, Player 2 was generally either Andy or myself. Andy is taking guitar lessons in real life, and I think I must be some sort of Guitar Hero prodigy, so I'm not convinced it has anything to do with wich player you are.

Anyway, we decided to move up the difficulty level once the kids went to bed. Although it was more difficult and required the use of a 4th finger on the left hand that was very disorienting, my domination of SC continued until she suddenly developed a sore wrist/fingers/back and had to go upstairs and go to bed. Wuss. I'm really not sure what time that might have been, but I'm guessing between 10 and 10:30. I then went back to the main menu and switched to career mode where you basically pick a person and start playing gigs and if you don't get yourself booed off the stage, you earn money and move on to harder/better songs, longer concerts, etc. This is somewhat addictive. It is now 2:20AM and I just decided maybe I should go to bed. There's no clock in the basement, so I had no idea what time it was. Every few concerts on the career mode, some real-life guitar player comes out and challenges you to a duel. If you manage to hang with them and don't get booed off stage, then they get added to the list of people you can be. I made it through the duel with the first guy (whose name escapes me at this hour) with no problem. Then I was happily finishing up a concert at the Kentucky state fair whe Ted Nugent rode out on a bison and challenged me. After 4 failures I decided to pack it in for the night. It's obviously due to the lateness of the hour that I couldn't hang with Ted. Luckily, I don't have to go back to work until Jan. 5th so I have plenty of time to do nothing but play between when I wake up later today and then. I think I may have a problem...

For Leslie - The Lonesome Kicker

Buy American

Plaxico Burress

Before trying out his Christmas gift, Plaxico ponders this warning: “You’ll shoot your thigh out.”

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.


'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious dad, can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at thelizard!'

'Oh my! gosh,' my wife diagnosed after a minute. 'She's having babies.

What? my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,'she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, youthink?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was goingon. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies? my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911,' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured . 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the Vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour.
In fact, that isn't EVER EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife. 'Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.'

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So Ernie's just...just... excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing 'It's just that I'm picturing youpulling on its... its...teeny little...' she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,'

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....PRICELESS!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs ..

Government Regulation at Work

Kim's List of Christmas stuff

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper
2. Real tree or Artificial? I prefer real, but can't afford 8 real ones every year so artificial
3. When do you put up the tree? I watched my wife put them all up last weekend.
4. When do you take them down? I will watch her take them down on Jan. 1st.
5. When do you start listening to Christmas carols? November 1 - Against my will
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Starbird spaceship and spaceport
7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad
8. Easiest person to buy for? Andy
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Wife
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Perpetual turtlenecks/sweaters from Kim's mother. She seems to have finally figured it out the last couple of years, though.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Christmas Vacation
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, I don't recycle anything...
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Turkey, but I never get it because Kim thinks you eat Ham for Christmas. That's just wrong.
16. Lights on the tree? a few (hundred thousand)
17. Favorite Christmas song? Snoopy and the Red Baron

18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Home
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Growing up, I had a really great scarecrow for our tree-topper, but SC isn't fun like that...
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Most everything is annoying for most of the year.
23. What theme or color are you using? Umm red and green?
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey and SC's grandma's peas and rice
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Powder Blue Evgeni Malkin Jersey
26. Favorite Christmas special? Charlie Brown Christmas
27. Favorite holiday tradition? SC's Christmas party.
28. Does Christmas mean Santa or Christ's birth to you? Ho Ho Ho. Jesus was born in August...
29. Do you go to Church on Christmas? Christmas Eve
30. Midnight Mass or Day? usually 5 or 7 pm I prefer 11PM, but my litter of kids do not.
31. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas
32. Do you wear Christmas sweat shirts or sweaters? Nope.
33. Do you put up outside lights? Well, somebody does. I think it is elves...

The Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuseme, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot airballoon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'mstill lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you'regoing. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hotair. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position youwere in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

Democrats on an Escalator