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Plaxico Burress

Before trying out his Christmas gift, Plaxico ponders this warning: “You’ll shoot your thigh out.”

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.


'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious dad, can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at thelizard!'

'Oh my! gosh,' my wife diagnosed after a minute. 'She's having babies.

What? my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,'she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, youthink?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was goingon. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies? my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911,' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured . 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the Vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour.
In fact, that isn't EVER EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife. 'Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.'

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So Ernie's just...just... excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing 'It's just that I'm picturing youpulling on its... its...teeny little...' she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,'

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....PRICELESS!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs ..

Government Regulation at Work

Kim's List of Christmas stuff

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper
2. Real tree or Artificial? I prefer real, but can't afford 8 real ones every year so artificial
3. When do you put up the tree? I watched my wife put them all up last weekend.
4. When do you take them down? I will watch her take them down on Jan. 1st.
5. When do you start listening to Christmas carols? November 1 - Against my will
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Starbird spaceship and spaceport
7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad
8. Easiest person to buy for? Andy
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Wife
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Perpetual turtlenecks/sweaters from Kim's mother. She seems to have finally figured it out the last couple of years, though.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Christmas Vacation
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, I don't recycle anything...
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Turkey, but I never get it because Kim thinks you eat Ham for Christmas. That's just wrong.
16. Lights on the tree? a few (hundred thousand)
17. Favorite Christmas song? Snoopy and the Red Baron

18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Home
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Growing up, I had a really great scarecrow for our tree-topper, but SC isn't fun like that...
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Most everything is annoying for most of the year.
23. What theme or color are you using? Umm red and green?
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey and SC's grandma's peas and rice
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Powder Blue Evgeni Malkin Jersey
26. Favorite Christmas special? Charlie Brown Christmas
27. Favorite holiday tradition? SC's Christmas party.
28. Does Christmas mean Santa or Christ's birth to you? Ho Ho Ho. Jesus was born in August...
29. Do you go to Church on Christmas? Christmas Eve
30. Midnight Mass or Day? usually 5 or 7 pm I prefer 11PM, but my litter of kids do not.
31. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas
32. Do you wear Christmas sweat shirts or sweaters? Nope.
33. Do you put up outside lights? Well, somebody does. I think it is elves...

The Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuseme, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot airballoon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'mstill lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you'regoing. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hotair. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position youwere in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

Democrats on an Escalator

Golf Rule Changes

THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS
With the election of Barack Obama, MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf are being planned:
This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.
Here are a couple of basic changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played
The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
-between 11 and 18 no additional amount
-above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.
The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement”
and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements
-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.
This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf
Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.